Thank you 27.

As I’m reading through this past year’s journal entries, reflecting on the overarching storyline and it’s many high’s and low’s, I’m feeling deeply thankful. Truly, truly thankful.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve felt this way the week leading up to my birthday, let alone the morning of.

There’s usually some sense of Dread. Regret. Pressure to have done better. Feelings of not being good enough, not successful enough, not productive enough. Questions of What could have been, what should have been.

It’s different this morning and I have a feeling it’s going to stay this way in the birthday mornings to come for many, many years to come.

27, you’ve been a year of true transformation. I can genuinely say I’m a new person today who had the opportunity to shed off an old, selfish, over-controlling self. It’s a beautiful thing really. Though, the journey to get here (and the journey that’s continuing) was not the way I would have chosen but praise God for His wisdom and grace to ALLOW it to happen this way.

27, you’ve brought me to the end of myself where for maybe the very first time, I’ve felt like I’ve truly lost control over life’s situations. (Hello Millennials!). Control over the never-ending pursuit of success…Control over not wanting to be another digit on this Earth….Control over how I found satisfaction, or as some would say Happiness and Joy.

In its place, you opened the door for me to re-meet my good Father powerfully through books, sermons, podcasts and other Believers who loved Him passionately. To understand that there is nothing in this world that can satisfy like the way His love and presence does. That all the Why’s of life eventually found themselves in loving God and loving others. That was it! Simple truths that I knew in my head but not in my heart.

As the months went by, I knew something was gradually changing within the Fragile Foundation of Self that I had built.  The lies I had told myself began to be washed away by these new truths about who I was and what my purpose in this world was. With much hesitation, I began to let things go and allow God to take the weight of the world knowing that He could and because He wanted to.

Nights of peaceful sleeping began to come back. Moments of celebratory joy and dancing erupted spontaneously from within. A new foundation built on solid, unshakeable, unwavering truths began to form. I was given new lenses in the How’s and Why’s in the work I did, the relationships I built, and the goals I’ve set for the future.

Something had changed and it was here to stay forever.

27, in years past I would build a scorecard based on how I did. What did you accomplish? How did you measure up with the expectations from the year before?

As I reflect now, I realize that I would not have never been satisfied with any answer I was able to give. The answers would have been too brittle, too surface level that brought along expectations that would have never been able to be met. The answers wouldn’t have aligned on what I knew in my heart to be true.

This year as I reflect, I’m adding an additional layer. Some foundational questions that I know will naturally bleed into how I accomplish things in my marriage, my career, my relationships, and my community.

Did I fall more in love with you Jesus? Did I experience your love in a new way? How did I share the overflowing love that you gave me to those around me? How was I transformed to be more like you?

To those questions I say yes. I got a new taste of your overwhelming love for me. I trust you more. I’m more patient and present in the moments you’re asking me to be still and in the moments to go. I have a better understanding of what it means to actively choose to receive your grace – that there’s nothing more or less I can do to earn your love because you simply loved me first.

28, I look forward to wrestling with the fears that are still lingering and faithfully bridging them with the new truths that are now embedded in my mind, heart and soul. Fears of feeling like a failure and being alone. Fears that I’m wasting the last few years of my 20’s. Father, I ask that you not take those things away but that you allow me to use it to grow even closer to you.

28, it’s going to be another transformational year. I’m feeling dangerous, I’m feeling groovy.

28, let’s do this this thang!