Imagine living a life where you can do anything, anywhere at anytime. Where do you want to eat? Where do you want to travel to? When do you want meet up to workout? What do you want? 

That was, let’s call it my old life. 

As I’m rounding month 2 of being a new parent, I’ve had a ton of time to just reflect on the challenges of this new life and dig deeper to understand WHY it’s been challenging.

When we were getting ready for Hazel to be born, a lot of the questions I had for new parents was really about more surface level stuff. What is it like not being able to sleep? What kind of baby gear did you get? How did you transition back to work? Etc etc. What I didn’t expect was how mentally and emotionally draining it would be transitioning out of this old life…this “me” life .. this life where I was in control. I was the boss of my decisions and if I had to be a bit more straightforward — a life where I served myself, my desires and my needs. 

But where does this ‘me’ attitude stem from?

We could look at my upbringings as a second child and being raised (and FED) by a full-time super mom, to the general society we live in where individualism is shared and celebrated and of course, the inherit selfish nature that comes with the broken world that we were born and live in. In addition to that, we could even just look at this past decade as a 20-something year old that helped accelerate the ‘me’ culture I (and probably most people my age) was living in. I was LIVING IT UP where freedom was the name of the game. Freedom to find a career and explore hobbies in whatever, travel wherever and build community with whomever — you get the idea. 

So yeah, we go from all of that to literally graduating overnight to a new life where … it’s not about me anymore… Say what now? Life gets flipped upside down instantly and there’s barely any time or space to just process what happened. It’s like the Matrix right? Neo goes from realizing that he’s in this crazy augmented world to all of a sudden dodging bullets, learning martial arts and being asked to save the human race. No pressure dude!

Decades of ‘me’ conditioning now has to be re-conditioned to unselfishly serve, care for, sacrifice and love this adorable little human blob. There’s a tension that exists during this transition where part of me wants the old life back. I had a bit of shame and guilt in even admitting that but I’m learning to be okay with the feelings I have. I wanted that freedom. I saw it on my Instagram page every day, I saw it in the ads that were celebrating all the experiences available for the Summer of all Summers as the world was slowly coming out of pandemic. And on the other side, there was another type of tension that’s pulled me toward this new life that I love. I love holding Baby Hazel in my arms, hearing her coo’s, seeing her smile and experiencing the miracle that she is. There’s a tension there.

Becoming a new parent is a life transition that’s unlike any other before. It’s unlike going to college, unlike finding a new job and unlike moving to a new city. It’s an entirely new experience which we don’t have much of a blueprint to go off of besides what we’ve read and heard (this book has been amazing btw..). It’s permanent. It requires commitment which as a Millennial I know I’m pretty pretty terrible at. It’s been difficult but we are gradually coming out the of The New Parenting Bootcamp Hazel Kiyomi Liao so graciously hosted. The word, Acceptance comes to mind as of late as I’m slowly accepting the fact that things are different and will always be different and that it’s time to move on. My pride and ego hurts in admitting this but I’m probably more stubborn and “me” thinking than most but I’m proud that I’m finally getting to this point in releasing the ‘old life’ and being able to look forward to all that’s to come. And it’s going to be good, like really really good. 

To close .. this season of suffering, as they always do has helped me learn some lessons that I know will be applicable to so many other areas as well. 

I’ve learned first and foremost to be a better servant. To serve my family means dying to my desires to want to sleep, eat, workout, skip chores, be right and a bunch of other things. 

I’ve learned the power of praise, gratitude and contentment. To quit focusing on all that I don’t have and all that I DO and it is SO much. Understanding that comparison can be destructive, especially when it’s the negative type that sucks energy away. I’ve learned that Praise is a weapon, we just have to learn to use it and to use it well and to use it often.

And I’ve learned that joy and suffering go hand in hand. Much like working out, the rewards will come on the other end. Maybe not right away but they come and they are incredible. I know this is just one of many more seasons to come but for now, I’m going to just enjoy little rewarded moments like these where Baby Hazel is learning to smile. 

Cheers for reading,